Oh my god, life is cold and formless

Things have been put into perspective this weekend.
My problems are gradually seeming more and more insignificant.

I don't know how you keep it all to yourself. You don't ever complain, even when you have the most reason to. You're the strongest person I know.
It's not fair. No one deserves this. I wish I knew what I could do.. I feel helpless.
I wish it could all be over.

world record: longest break between posts.

So i decided to re-enter the blogworld, because when I was a part of it for a whole, 4 blogs, i enjoyed it.
Then again, i don't know if I was technically accepted in considering I was never a consistent blogger.. But that's beside the point. All that matters is that I'm here now.

I feel like I have absolutely no motivation to do anything lately, when really there are a number of things I want to get done.
It's a vicious cycle starting with working on homework into the late hours of the night, then not being able to fall asleep, leading up to falling asleep during the classes that I should be paying the most attention in..

What's been getting me through however, is my recent re-discovery of blow pops.


I was thinking about this when I was going through my rebel stage over the summer, (ha) and something made me think about it recently..

Trust with someone is something you gain from getting to know them, learning what type of person they are, and how they deal with situations. So when you break someone's trust by lying to them, but they don't know that you broke it.. is the only reason we tell them the truth to make ourselves feel better? Because we feel so guilty, and the only way to rid ourselves of this horrible feeling is by telling them? Or is it because we're afraid they're going to find out the truth from someone else, so we figure it's better if it comes from us? Or is it the reason we want to believe.. because we sincerely feel that they have the right to know?

If you think about it, everything we do, as much as we think that we're not being selfish, is, in fact selfish. We do things to make ourself feel better. If we help someone out, it is to help them initially.. but it's also to make ourselves feel good about helping. If we tell someone the truth, when it's hard to do so, it's usually to make ourselves feel better and get it off our chests..

Maybe I'm just being a pessimist, but if you think about it.. aren't we always looking to make ourselves feel satisfied no matter how much we try and convince ourselves otherwise?

It makes me sick to my stomach.