hole punched through your home

i am (we are) constantly searching for happiness. no matter where it comes from.

i admire those who are able to recognize whether or not the source of their happiness is coming from the right place. i always think temporary happiness is better than nothing.
no consequences or not-so-happy endings.

but when you have to work so hard for happiness to the point that youre more stressed and worried than you are actually happy, it kind of has a way of canceling out any good part of the situation.
yet somehow i manage to find a way to only focus on the very few good times, letting them take over my thoughts, leaving me with a completely distorted view of the situation.

i dont know if im relieved.. in a way i am.
no more worrying, no more wasting, no more waiting.
but i cant help but think i couldve done something differently, which is the most frustrating thing.

dreaming of the dolphin song

i just want to know how you do it.
how do you go through everyday like everything is fine.

the fact that this is what your happiness depends on is unfair on so many different levels.


i'm sorry. i know it's all you hear.and for that i'm sorry.


on the surface you keep going.
and going.
and going.
like nothing is new.
so much that I forget all together.
even when you can't.
and even when you do, it's only temporary.


maybe if you keep acting it will eventually dissolve away.
deny.forget.ignore.smile.pretend.

you don't know how much i hope it works.

A Romance of Many Dimensions

So you take one optional book for math class that was written in the 1800s that you have to write an opinion paper on, and a 'classic' book from around the same time that is three times as long that is mandatory, and you get my frustration that was dispersed throughout my seemingly short vacation.

I had myself convinced at the beginning of the vacation that there was no way I wasn't going to read Huck Finn.. I had enough time, I thought I wanted to read it, and I just had no reason not to..
But as more and more people responded to my question "So.. how much of Huck Finn have you read?" more and more responded "Are you kidding? It's M. Worthy! There's no way I'm going to read it? That's what spark notes are for!"

I began to think about the fact that if a lot of other people aren't reading it, would I be actually wasting my time? If they can get away with not reading it, why can't I? As much as I thought I didn't mind reading it, I realized that I would rather be doing things with my friends than sitting at home reading an assigned book that other people aren't reading..

I don't know why I take shortcuts all the time. Honestly, I spent enough time contemplating over whether I should read it or not that I probably could have finished it. I can understand why I take shortcuts when I don't have enough time for something.. But I definitely had enough time. I just convinced myself I didn't need to.
If I had just read it, I wouldn't be worrying about being behind, and not doing well.. Shortcuts may be short at the time, but they always prolong the stress and end up doing exactly what they aren't ment to do; make more work for yourself.

What's horrible is that I need my friends for moral support. I think everyone does to a certain extent, but a lot of the time I figure, if they're not, why should i?
New years resolution: STOP.



So, I technically now have two books I could get away without reading either of them.. So which one do I start with, and when? The one that no one is reading but i am SUPPOSED to read? Or the optional one that isn't even considered extra credit because there is actually a chance of it hurting my grade..
I'd have to say the 80 page truly optional one at 12 o'clock on the last day of vacation.
Way to go Nina. You certainly are going places in life.

you blame the stations when they play you like a fool

What someone chooses to do/not to do, doesn't define them as cool.
Being "cool" has too many interpretations.
Idealize.
Criticize.

It's really nothing. Except perspective. Like a lot of things.
Why isn't personality enough?

Why isn't it enough in general?

just wait. you'll have it eventually.

I^M6&M%^*A5!&#TU@R4^^#E!!
stop trying so hard.

Next time.. Please tell the manager.

Last night I got home from the Chinese buffet where I managed to get out of paying eighteen dollars for a plate of rice (thanks to erin) and got home to eat my real dinner with my parents.
If this were a few years ago, I would have been so embarrassed to have actually spent a Saturday night home alone with my parents watching a movie, and I wouldn't dare tell anyone.
It's funny how cool we used to think we were by not hanging out with our parents because we were "so above that". And if we hung out with our parents instead of our friends that would be so lame..
But by thinking that, we were actually the lame ones.


My so called life is my new-found addiction.
Having a season of a TV show pathetically consumes your life, not allowing you to stop watching disk after disk. It's an easy distraction from doing homework/anything meaningful.


I'm such a hypocrite. Now I understand the whole "it's easier said than done" situation.


Trust me, I know how it feels, and it's the worst feeling in the world. I truly am sorry.

Everything that happens is from now on

So I have this tendency of missing school a lot..
I don't think I've ever really missed a full day, but there are countless amounts of times when I've either

A. Slept in, then come into school late because I was working on homework late the night before.
B. Slept in, then come into school late because I had too much homework so I slept in to miss a test I didn't have time to study for.
C. Not been woken up in the morning because my mom was convinced I didn't get enough sleep so she didn't wake me up in the morning so I could sleep in and go in late.
D. I had a soccer tournament that I didn't get home from until one AM, so I came in late.

Answer for this weekend: D.

This weekend, (besides for discovering that I am majorly of shape ---thanks so much D Coy, you did wonders for us--- and that it actually IS possible for me to experience the feeling of death in the form of exhaustion,) I realized that I always seem to find friendships in the most unlikely places..
This always happens when I go to a tournament.
It's not that I thought I wouldn't like these people.. It's just, if I don't click with someone right away, I automatically assume I'll never get past the "how are you" stage of the friendship.
I think I subconsciously put up a mental block, telling myself that since I'm not that good friends with that person right now, I never could be close to them because we don't have anything in common. I am then always surprised to find that I can easily talk to them about anything, and not feel like it's forced, so I don't know why I keep doing it.

Some people like almost everyone they meet.

This could be because their personality matches everyones'.. But most likely not.

It could be because they truly like all of the other person's qualities.. But that's not necessarily true either.

It's because instead of focusing on the negative qualities about the other person, (even if those are the more obvious ones,) they instead look for anything that's good about them. Or, they think of the reasons why they might act the way they do, and don't judge them for that. They're tolerant of differences and able to find the good in everyone no matter what.

So i guess this could be considered a shout out...