no thank you

going.crazy.isnt.fun.

hole punched through your home

i am (we are) constantly searching for happiness. no matter where it comes from.

i admire those who are able to recognize whether or not the source of their happiness is coming from the right place. i always think temporary happiness is better than nothing.
no consequences or not-so-happy endings.

but when you have to work so hard for happiness to the point that youre more stressed and worried than you are actually happy, it kind of has a way of canceling out any good part of the situation.
yet somehow i manage to find a way to only focus on the very few good times, letting them take over my thoughts, leaving me with a completely distorted view of the situation.

i dont know if im relieved.. in a way i am.
no more worrying, no more wasting, no more waiting.
but i cant help but think i couldve done something differently, which is the most frustrating thing.

dreaming of the dolphin song

i just want to know how you do it.
how do you go through everyday like everything is fine.

the fact that this is what your happiness depends on is unfair on so many different levels.


i'm sorry. i know it's all you hear.and for that i'm sorry.


on the surface you keep going.
and going.
and going.
like nothing is new.
so much that I forget all together.
even when you can't.
and even when you do, it's only temporary.


maybe if you keep acting it will eventually dissolve away.
deny.forget.ignore.smile.pretend.

you don't know how much i hope it works.

A Romance of Many Dimensions

So you take one optional book for math class that was written in the 1800s that you have to write an opinion paper on, and a 'classic' book from around the same time that is three times as long that is mandatory, and you get my frustration that was dispersed throughout my seemingly short vacation.

I had myself convinced at the beginning of the vacation that there was no way I wasn't going to read Huck Finn.. I had enough time, I thought I wanted to read it, and I just had no reason not to..
But as more and more people responded to my question "So.. how much of Huck Finn have you read?" more and more responded "Are you kidding? It's M. Worthy! There's no way I'm going to read it? That's what spark notes are for!"

I began to think about the fact that if a lot of other people aren't reading it, would I be actually wasting my time? If they can get away with not reading it, why can't I? As much as I thought I didn't mind reading it, I realized that I would rather be doing things with my friends than sitting at home reading an assigned book that other people aren't reading..

I don't know why I take shortcuts all the time. Honestly, I spent enough time contemplating over whether I should read it or not that I probably could have finished it. I can understand why I take shortcuts when I don't have enough time for something.. But I definitely had enough time. I just convinced myself I didn't need to.
If I had just read it, I wouldn't be worrying about being behind, and not doing well.. Shortcuts may be short at the time, but they always prolong the stress and end up doing exactly what they aren't ment to do; make more work for yourself.

What's horrible is that I need my friends for moral support. I think everyone does to a certain extent, but a lot of the time I figure, if they're not, why should i?
New years resolution: STOP.



So, I technically now have two books I could get away without reading either of them.. So which one do I start with, and when? The one that no one is reading but i am SUPPOSED to read? Or the optional one that isn't even considered extra credit because there is actually a chance of it hurting my grade..
I'd have to say the 80 page truly optional one at 12 o'clock on the last day of vacation.
Way to go Nina. You certainly are going places in life.

you blame the stations when they play you like a fool

What someone chooses to do/not to do, doesn't define them as cool.
Being "cool" has too many interpretations.
Idealize.
Criticize.

It's really nothing. Except perspective. Like a lot of things.
Why isn't personality enough?

Why isn't it enough in general?

just wait. you'll have it eventually.

I^M6&M%^*A5!&#TU@R4^^#E!!
stop trying so hard.

Next time.. Please tell the manager.

Last night I got home from the Chinese buffet where I managed to get out of paying eighteen dollars for a plate of rice (thanks to erin) and got home to eat my real dinner with my parents.
If this were a few years ago, I would have been so embarrassed to have actually spent a Saturday night home alone with my parents watching a movie, and I wouldn't dare tell anyone.
It's funny how cool we used to think we were by not hanging out with our parents because we were "so above that". And if we hung out with our parents instead of our friends that would be so lame..
But by thinking that, we were actually the lame ones.


My so called life is my new-found addiction.
Having a season of a TV show pathetically consumes your life, not allowing you to stop watching disk after disk. It's an easy distraction from doing homework/anything meaningful.


I'm such a hypocrite. Now I understand the whole "it's easier said than done" situation.


Trust me, I know how it feels, and it's the worst feeling in the world. I truly am sorry.

Everything that happens is from now on

So I have this tendency of missing school a lot..
I don't think I've ever really missed a full day, but there are countless amounts of times when I've either

A. Slept in, then come into school late because I was working on homework late the night before.
B. Slept in, then come into school late because I had too much homework so I slept in to miss a test I didn't have time to study for.
C. Not been woken up in the morning because my mom was convinced I didn't get enough sleep so she didn't wake me up in the morning so I could sleep in and go in late.
D. I had a soccer tournament that I didn't get home from until one AM, so I came in late.

Answer for this weekend: D.

This weekend, (besides for discovering that I am majorly of shape ---thanks so much D Coy, you did wonders for us--- and that it actually IS possible for me to experience the feeling of death in the form of exhaustion,) I realized that I always seem to find friendships in the most unlikely places..
This always happens when I go to a tournament.
It's not that I thought I wouldn't like these people.. It's just, if I don't click with someone right away, I automatically assume I'll never get past the "how are you" stage of the friendship.
I think I subconsciously put up a mental block, telling myself that since I'm not that good friends with that person right now, I never could be close to them because we don't have anything in common. I am then always surprised to find that I can easily talk to them about anything, and not feel like it's forced, so I don't know why I keep doing it.

Some people like almost everyone they meet.

This could be because their personality matches everyones'.. But most likely not.

It could be because they truly like all of the other person's qualities.. But that's not necessarily true either.

It's because instead of focusing on the negative qualities about the other person, (even if those are the more obvious ones,) they instead look for anything that's good about them. Or, they think of the reasons why they might act the way they do, and don't judge them for that. They're tolerant of differences and able to find the good in everyone no matter what.

So i guess this could be considered a shout out...

then they splashed into the deep blue sea

We rely way to much on other people.
We give too much power to others to control how we feel about ourselves, and how we feel in general..
I wish we didn't, but we do it anyways.

Does everyone really think so lowly of themselves that they need reassurance from others to have any self-confidence at all? Or even to let someone make them feel so horrible to the point where they can't stop repeating in their head what that person did/said?

We can't blame people for making us feel the way we do, because we make the choice to interpret how they act, and whether or not we are going to ignore it.. We choose to react the way we do, and we can't blame others for anything we have control over.

The only person who truly makes us feel bad about something is ourselves.
...It's hard to grasp this concept. Even with that said, we are still so vulnerable.. we can't help but allow other people to dictate how we feel.

I keep trying to convince myself that I'm past this immature state of mind, and that I could care less what people think.. but I'm just lying to myself.
For some reason I just can't get over it.

Oh my god, life is cold and formless

Things have been put into perspective this weekend.
My problems are gradually seeming more and more insignificant.

I don't know how you keep it all to yourself. You don't ever complain, even when you have the most reason to. You're the strongest person I know.
It's not fair. No one deserves this. I wish I knew what I could do.. I feel helpless.
I wish it could all be over.

world record: longest break between posts.

So i decided to re-enter the blogworld, because when I was a part of it for a whole, 4 blogs, i enjoyed it.
Then again, i don't know if I was technically accepted in considering I was never a consistent blogger.. But that's beside the point. All that matters is that I'm here now.

I feel like I have absolutely no motivation to do anything lately, when really there are a number of things I want to get done.
It's a vicious cycle starting with working on homework into the late hours of the night, then not being able to fall asleep, leading up to falling asleep during the classes that I should be paying the most attention in..

What's been getting me through however, is my recent re-discovery of blow pops.


I was thinking about this when I was going through my rebel stage over the summer, (ha) and something made me think about it recently..

Trust with someone is something you gain from getting to know them, learning what type of person they are, and how they deal with situations. So when you break someone's trust by lying to them, but they don't know that you broke it.. is the only reason we tell them the truth to make ourselves feel better? Because we feel so guilty, and the only way to rid ourselves of this horrible feeling is by telling them? Or is it because we're afraid they're going to find out the truth from someone else, so we figure it's better if it comes from us? Or is it the reason we want to believe.. because we sincerely feel that they have the right to know?

If you think about it, everything we do, as much as we think that we're not being selfish, is, in fact selfish. We do things to make ourself feel better. If we help someone out, it is to help them initially.. but it's also to make ourselves feel good about helping. If we tell someone the truth, when it's hard to do so, it's usually to make ourselves feel better and get it off our chests..

Maybe I'm just being a pessimist, but if you think about it.. aren't we always looking to make ourselves feel satisfied no matter how much we try and convince ourselves otherwise?

It makes me sick to my stomach.

come down from the mountain, you have been gone too long

theres no time to do anything i want to.
or maybe i just need to manage my time better.
yeah.. thats most likely it.

les personnes

I hate how people's personalities constantly change. I feel like I know someone so well one minute, and the next they're doing something I'd never expect them to do. That's when I start to question my judgement of people and if what I thought of them at first is just a cover up or not. I wish people were comfortable and confident enough to just be themselves from the beginning because it would make everything so much easier. I really respect the people that are strong enough to actually do that.

I guess that's how relationships and friendships are, though. You get to know the different sides of people and you learn to love everything about them.

I guess what frustrates me is that people are always trying to impress people. They will go to great lengths to find the best way to make themselves look good,  even if it is done subconsciously.

Maybe I'm being completely contradictory. Maybe I'm not making any sense. Maybe these thoughts have no correspondence whatsoever.

Most likely it's the second and third one.

People who I don't know have some mysteriousness about them that allows me to imagine them to be anyway. 

That's what's great about going someplace new, especially in the city because of the variety and amount of people. I love Boston, because so much is going on that it's never boring. I think what plays a part in it being so much fun is the fact that Princeton is the complete opposite, so it's something new.

Going to New Jersey made me realize that I should cherish the times when I can stay in a million dollar house a block away from a beach, because unless I miraculously win the lottery, or discover that it's my destiny to become a surgeon, it's unfortunately unlikely I'll be able to enjoy such a luxury when I'm older.

 

Last night there was an infestation of bugs in my room. That's when I realized that the only two things I don't mind killing are mosquitoes and moths. Oh and ants, but there weren't ants in my room last night. So many people are afraid of spiders, so when there is a spider within a foot of them, their fear asserts me to killing them, and they're always surprised when I pick them up and bring them outside. 

The secret life of the American teenager makes me laugh. First off, the title is enough to describe how ridiculous it is of an attempt to make a show. Throwing aside it's terrible excuse for actors, every other word is sex. Because apparently that's all kids in high school do every second of the day. Oh and they all know statistics about it and are comfortable about talking about it with their parents. Believe it or not, getting pregnant goes along with having sex, so of course there are multiple pregnancies in this show. The funny thing about a show like this is that it gets people like me, who are dumb enough to waste their time watching something so pathetic, to actually do so.

twenty nine days

I have come to the conclusion that I am a terrible blogger.

This is most likely because i haven't posted anything since June 24. However, I have my reasons.

Excuse #1 There's so much that's been going on, that instead of worrying about reflecting back on what I've been doing, I've instead been living it, therefore not taking the time to blog about it.

I wish that I had posted about everyday in Martha's Vineyard, but thanks to Excuse # 2, that would have been impossible considering there was no internet access, or cell service for that matter. I felt completely cut off from society. (But I have to say it was nice and not as bad as I had anticipated it to be.)

Excuse #3 Since summer has started I've tried to make more of an effort to stay off the computer and stay outside more

Excuse #4 Since it had been so long since I had posted, I figured I might as well make it one day short of exactly a month from my last post.

Excuse #5 I'm lazy.

____

I've been visiting Martha's Vineyard ever since I was born. It's one of the few times my extended family gets to consume large amounts of alcohol and blame it on "being on vacation" under one roof. Oh and there's fish; lots of fish.
I only have one grandparent, and it's my dad's dad. He is in love with the game cribbage, so when I was little he taught he how to play in hopes of making me the fan that he is of the game. It worked. Every year he has us play in a cribbage "tournament" and he buys chocolates for the winner. It is adorable and makes me so happy to see him get so excited about something so simple.

The house that we stay at is a mile from the beach so most of my days were spent there, working my tanning schedule around the rain.

Ha what a joke. We all know that Sun + Nina =disaster.

Although, sunblock was good to me over that week, because I didn't manage to get burnt to a crisp when I was there. That most likely wasn't thanks to the sunblock however. It probably had to do with the sun barely showing its face the entire week. But I'm not complaining, I'm not a lobster!

The day after I got back from Martha's I woke up to leave for Pennsylvania. I'd have to say by the end of the trip the seven hour drive was worth it. I got to be really close with someone who I expected to always be just "acquaintances" with, and was really surprised at how someone who's so quiet can open up so much and change my opinion of them.

The trip was for a basketball tournament that was hosted at Penn State. It's a college showcase tournament, and so naturally all of my teammates felt the need to freak out and put so much pressure on themselves anytime a college coach came to watch our games. It made me feel so out of place, because as much as I love to play basketball, one, I am not good enough to play in college, and two, I'm not found of giving up my life in college and selling my soul to the devil. Oh sorry, I meant college coach.

I get that if you love something so much and it's your life, it should continue to be your life in college, but what about after college? Most people don't go on to play professionally, and some people are stupid enough to choose their school based on where they're going to play basketball. I just don't get that.

Recently I realized that I have the hardest time telling the direct truth to someone when I have to pay the cost of hurting them in the process. It's not that I'll lie, I'll just tend to avoid the truth as much as possible and put the blame on something completely different, hoping they'll pick up on my hint; they never do. This strategy, when gone over in my head at first, seems like the best solution. Instead it backfires and nothing is accomplished. Situations could be made so much easier if I found a way to be honest as well as conscious of others' feelings. I hope I can find this way.

the complications you could do without

A couple months ago I decided that I wanted to keep a journal. After my first entry, I promised myself that this would become a daily routine of mine. It was nice to get all of my thoughts out on paper.
Three months have gone by and I haven't even looked at the journal since then. I just have been so busy, and its hard for me to get myself to just sit down and write, as much as I'd love to do so.
I figured since I waste endless hours of my life avoiding homework on facebook, I might as well avoid it more efficiently.
I made this blog about a week ago, but it took me until now to finally bring myself to write in it, (thanks to the encouragement of emily, emily and joey). I think the reason I kept putting it off was because I kept asking myself why I'd have one in the first place. I felt like blogs were places where people let out their thoughts by using a wide vocabulary of words, which is an ability that unfortunately I lack. Something changed my mind though. I still don't really know what it was, but I think I will eventually find out.


My brother got his appendix removed on Sunday. He's been on our couch since he came home from the hospital. I'm pretty sure the only times he got up were to go to the bathroom..
at least, I hope he even did that.
He's eighteen and the drugs he's been on have changed him to have the patience of a four year old.
He's helpless and whiny. When my mom's not home she asks me to take care of him.
My mom even set up a walkie talkie with him in the TV room enabling him to even more easily bug me while I'm studying. It's basically a baby monitor.
I really shouldn't complain though, because he is in a lot of pain, and I do feel bad for him.
They cut through his belly button. It's disgusting. It makes me so glad that I haven't had to have surgery, and hopefully never will.
His friends have been coming in and out of our door to visit him. It's nice to see that he actually has some nice friends that aren't all just jerks who spray paint profanities on parking lots..


My mom's car broke down on her way home from work yesterday.
The funny thing about having your license is that you actually have to have a car in order for it to be any help to you whatsoever..
Not like I'd actually have anywhere to go because finals are consuming my life, but I'd like to think that I could go somewhere if I wanted. I like options.

ohhhh finals. how i do not love thee.
Especially when I study for you for endless hours and cram in information into my head that I guarantee I will not remember after this weekend. So really, what's the point? I feel like there isn't one. Yet I still feel the obligation to not fail you..
With that said, goodbye blog, hello vocab.